A trial in being…

A guy. So after two long term relationship that lasted five years each, and the fact that I’m inching closer to thirty, I’m going to act more like a guy. Meaning no emotional attachments to guys that I am dinking around with.
I’m currently starting a long term fwb with a yummy red headed (damn red heads for haunting me) twenty-fiver year old. I saw him last night and my state of mind was its just sex. No cuddling, no emotions, just sex. Which I must say I find it interesting how most people who do this sort of thing like to to kiss the other person. I have nothing against kissing and really do love it. It’s just that it kinda trips me up because of the whole emotional attachment thing I’m trying to not have. As some of us know a kiss can invoke a number of emotions. Anyways looking forward to having him again as he was great and we are both getting what we want sex.

I’m also talking to another guy via emails . He is nice and sweet and has a cute lil kid. However, in the week that we have been talking, he seems to want a serious relationship. I’m not looking for serious right now, I’m looking for fun. However, I did say I want a distraction and I will have my “distractions” one way or another.

Another thing is that I’ve been listening to The Sex Nerd Sandra podcast and OMG I love it. So many good things I’ve learned and the interviews are great. Sex positive. Love it. So I’m also kinda of also engaging in my sexual self more. Just wish they could do some things up here in Seattle as we have a huge nerd/tech culture up here too. So yeah go Team Fun.

Infinite Sadness of a Capricorn heart

I recently told me roommate that there was no way of us ever being romantically involved again. I made him cry. He made himself angry by asking questions to which I answered very honestly but vaguely. I made him cry again yesterday. Plainly told him again that after so many tries in the relationship my patience has run thin. I gave him 5 years and after that there was no more I could give him. I hate comforting crying guys. I’m really not actually seeing anyone but rather had a nice hookup that involved some of the best sex I’ve in the last seven years. Thats right I’ve had “meh” sex for the last seven. Going on…l do randomly go on a nice casual dates that leads to no where. Why?

Because I’m a Capricorn. Capricorns have a sense of melancholy and necessity for structure and work cuz inside we feel unworthy and need to continuously prove our worth. Most people think I’m very bitter, which isnt true i’m just deeply sadden in my heart of hearts. I feel I only need to prove my worth to myself. 

We are loners but need to feel appreciated. I know my coworkers and friends appreciate me as they tell me. But when the one you are in a relationship never expresses it, it creates self-doubt and confidence issues. Something that was created in me with the last relationship.

Sure all Capricorns really need to know to love themselves of which I do. I know that deep inside myself that the person i’m in a relationship will never love me the way I tell them I need to be loved in order to be happy in the relationship and yes i’ve tired.

So cause of this I come off aloof in most people’s eyes. In the eyes of men it seems like I dont care much for love when in reality, I’m very romantic but it takes the right kind of person to bring it out. Things can take time with me so be patient, like I always try to be, because in the end like most Capricorn women we offer a real long lasting, loyal  and happy relationship.

But until then I’ll always seem just a little sad and lonely in the eyes of many people and a bit to myself.

Sakuracon is over and I now must resume my so called life.

Very happy to see friends I don’t ever get to see and make new ones. Got to play some video games and “won” a tote bag. I also have a cute little Sherlock keychain for the artist alley.

No knew who I was cosplaying as but I got the pics I wanted of it.

Excluding the run in I had Saturday, I had a blast. Well back to normal life.

I often think that I’m a disease. People don’t really care to talk to me and most men are afraid of me. At least from what I’ve seen, I make them nervous or I intimidated them some how. Must be my tomboyness.
Anyways, I have a date tonight. I haven’t dated in over 7 years. The last person I date is now my roommate. My date is a geek just like me but in different fandoms. He is nice and sweet and that’s all I need right now. Someone to make me laugh and smile at a time of unsureness in my life.

Fangirling squeal

I don’t squeal or keyboard smash.
This is what I do:
Eyes widen with glee
Internally melt
Make animal noises: cat meow, dog bark, cow moo, owl hooting, etc for about two mins
Internally melt
Then I remember where I am

Body discomfort

I loath my body. Now let me clarify what I mean by that. To most women (non blessed women) would says that I’m blessed. I have big breast and a big butt. Yeah, its nice to wish to have those but when you’re born with that It’s not so great. Well, at least to me its not. My “gifts” are genetic. I get them from my dad’s side of the family. Infact if you saw me preteen years, you would have never had guessed I get the ‘assets” I have now. My big butt I’ve been aware of my butt’s size since I was 16. Im glad it doesn’t get bigger then it is but I’m always aware of the size on a consistent basis. I can’t buy short skirts unless I take into a count that my butt raises the backend of it by about 3-4inches, otherwise I’m showing off my under butt. Not cool. Most parking lots no longer give room between the cars to get in or out of your car unless you are a size 00. Sorry but I can’t suck in my butt to get in and out of my car just cuz the developer wants to pack in more spots. I have to take in some pants or always wear a belt since there is always a big gap between my waist and butt. Not fun when I wanna dress a certain way. Sure there are exercises to lift, firm or tighten. Problem is my but is firm and some of my friends can vouch for that since they have slapped my ass. Help I’ve learned to cope with it by using it to close doors when I bring in groceries. Boobs My boobs are too big for me. Not physically but more mentally. “You’re so lucky to have big boobs. I’m stuck in a b-cup”. Actually no I’m not Lucky. Since I turned 15, they have been growing nonstop. When I was 18, they were perfect at 36C, by the the time I was 23 they grew to a 32D and now at 29 they are a 40DD. So dont tell me I’m lucky. I want them to stop growing. “Well, you can fill a bra. I can’t.” Actually either can I. The fact is I overflow out of bras. Bra shopping is emotionally painful to me. I don’t like looking in the mirror to see muffintop spilling out out of my bra. I then have try on another bra in a bigger size to see it does it again. My boobs have more on the sides and so don’t fit in cups anymore. Depression city. “You look better in clothes then me.” Not true. Wearing the same outfit as a smaller chested girl brings on unwanted attention from not only men but women too. I overheard two women behind says my boobs are fake. Little did they know my music was not on and I told them off. My clothing has to go up to an xl or 2xl since I don’t want people to see my boobs between the buttons of my button up blouses. Also some of my clothes find a way to get under my boobs and rubs oddly against my skin and bra. Other problems are very physical. Like my boobs get in the way of me doing things. I’m sure men and some women don’t mind my boobs pushed up against them when I hug them but try carrying a box when moving and having a big chest. I can’t carry it low and it hurts to carry high. My biggest woe is physical pain. My chest hurts at certain times of the month and when they grow. What hurts is the thin muscle under the boob fat. A massage really does little since I can only go around the edge, so little relief is gotten. Like this whole month I’m in pain cuz they are growing yet again. At some point in my life (dear goddess don’t ever let it happen) I might turn into a giant pair of boobs walking down the street and no one would be able to see my my face. So believe me when I say that having my assets are not really great. I would trade my body back for the one I had at 18. Smaller boobs and somewhat a smaller butt like I use to have.

Considering starting a makeup blog. I often find that a lot of tutorials out there don’t apply to my face. My face is picky about products, and well I’m mixed so my facial features don’t work with some of the trends.

ECCC is next Friday and so I’ll be cosplaying mainly from Doctor Who. Friday I’ll be a hipster fem Nine and maybe Saturday I’ll be River Song. My friend who may attend will be Rose Tyler while I’m River. So Rose and River running around the con together. Actually I’m kinda rocking Nine at work, just need to change my black blazer to a black leather jacket.

This is my personal opinion. as a doctor who fan I don’t exactly like reading post on tumblr about who everyone’s favorite doctor is why this person is so wrong on the show and blah blah blah and I don’t give a s*** . As a true Doctor Who fan I’m loyal to the doctor not to the actor who currently or has in the past embodied the doctor. I love the character of the doctor, the madman with a box. I personally think that every actor that has embodied the character of the doctor has done a fantastic job at portraying the doctor. Of course I have pet peeves of when I read things about Doctor Who on tumblr. I guess current one is about the current doctor ,Matt Smith, is that he has no eyebrows. The fact is he does have eyebrows they are thin and light. If you actually pay attention in the episodes you can actually see where his eyebrows actually are. They do exist. At one point in my life my eyebrows were the same then I just left them alone and they grew back in.
Another thing is that fans just act all “omg” about things that connect to past doctors. Whether it is 11 or 6, the doctor is technically the same person who has lived for hundreds of years and based on that some things will be repeated (plus some of the writers are fans from the original Doctor Who series.) He doesn’t live in the past but he does remember it well plus the universe is rather infinite in size so you never know where old enemies or new ones hide.
So now that I’m done with my little rant about what I read on tumblr about doctor who, I shall leave you with my fave saying from the entire series, “I’ll explain later.”